A Brave Return

I wrote 9 blog posts in 2024 and 19 in 2023. When I started this blog in May 2020, I intended to write weekly posts. Then, life happened. On February 1st, 2023 our sweet Rue Baby was diagnosed with Kidney Disease. I never shared openly about her diagnosis, because for the past almost 2 years, I was consumed with helping her heal. I decided to speak life into healing, and never uttered the words “KD”. I would say that Rue’s kidneys were having a bit of a challenge. I constantly told her kidneys that we needed them, and spoke words of affirmation over her daily. Rue was always incredibly special to me. I was so proud of our little girl, and she was truly the light of my life. After her diagnosis though, I became even more wrapped up in her. I didn’t know that it was possible for Donnie and I to love her more. So blog posts went on the back burner. And then the back-back burner.

I would always write my blog posts on Mondays and send my weekly email newsletter. Mondays became a big check-up day for Rue. We ran blood tests nearly every month at her holistic vet, and Mondays often ended up being appointment days. I can’t tell you how many times I would wrestle with wanting to write a blog post and send an email newsletter. I didn’t want to write about Rue’s health though, and Rue’s health was all I thought about. It was my entire life. Every time I almost mustered up enough courage to write about something, I would tell myself that I would wait to see what her numbers were. For so long her numbers were pretty good, honestly. But then I would tell myself, what if I chose to do something for me, to write a blog post, and what if I somehow jinxed her and then her numbers went “bad”? It was hard for me to embrace the many, many good months of blood test numbers we got because I was always fearful. And a lot of this is the diagnosis and prognosis. We were told we could never cure Rue, only slow the progression of the disease. I will tell you that I never quit praying for a full-body miraculous healing for her.

On November 1st, Rue left her earthly body. And now for the first time in almost 2 years, I can no longer worry about 2 kidneys functioning. I’ve been overwhelmed and swallowed up, drowning in the deepest of grief. But today I am choosing to be brave and courageous. And I’m writing my first blog post in so long. Rue would want me to. But I won’t lie, I wish we were in Castle Rock, CO getting a good blood pressure reading, checking blood, and rambling about my love for her. And of course, I wish it was before the diagnosis and we were just living our life with no health worries or concerns, as we did for over 8 years.

I wish that I could have continued writing over the past 2 years during Rue’s health battles. There are so many things that I have been learning. I always called Rue my little spiritual guru, because she was. And although Rue’s not here in her earthly body, she’s with us in spirit. She sends me so many signs. I see her in the sparkle of the snow. I know it’s her every time I look at the clock and it’s 11:11, and I can’t even tell you how many times I have done that since November 1st. So she is continuing to teach me things, many things and I know this will continue—probably forever.

A big thing that I realize about myself is my almost inability to continue with things, when something really difficult happens. But, it’s such a false narrative if we tell ourselves everything must be “perfect” or all good in order for us to carry on. I realize I have a perfectionist/procrastinator problem at times. I’m in the middle of over-hauling my website, making lots of changes, searching for a new email newsletter template, and wanting everything to be perfect. Today I’m forcing myself to just post, and to send an email newsletter also. Without everything being perfect. Because I realize how me trying to get everything perfect is making me procrastinate big time.

And something else I’ve pondered over, is doing something because you want to and not attaching any outcomes. Am I currently a famous blogger? No. Do I have thousands of email subscribers? No. And do I care about that? No. Of course, I write and share content that I hope inspires others. But I also do this for me. It makes me happy. It’s a dream of mine to have very own website, blog, and email newsletter. And I need to remind myself that before May 2020, this was just a dream, an idea. It was a blank piece of paper. I built my website, I grew my email list, and I began writing blog posts.

So what’s the purpose of this blog post? I guess to share a real, honest reflection of where I’ve been at. The challenges I’m trying to overcome. How I’m working to get back to a place where I can write these posts. I’m also building something specifically for pet loss, Resiliently Rue. And I’m going to have a special newsletter just for that. I’ve been thinking about many things, and it’s time to start doing them.

We must make time for things that bring us joy. I’m even guilty of just busying myself with household tasks. I become obsessive about getting the laundry done, organizing things in our home, doing this doing that—and telling myself again, the lie that somehow once everything is “perfect” then I will resume the things that bring me joy. Because laundry is a necessity, but blogging isn’t. However, I think blogging is a necessity for me. Next up for me, is a return to podcasting.

In honor of you Rue, I love you.